Michigan needs heroes to slay the invincible OSU automaton. Luckily, the Maize and Blue has three of them: Jordan Marshall, the “epic hero” who has been picked by supernatural forces to lead the rest of humanity against an evil empire; Ernest Hausman, the "super hero” with abilities beyond those of ordinary people who selflessly fights evil and injustice; Dominic Zvada, The "tragic hero” who meets a downfall but redeems himself to restore order.
Luke Skywalker
Cincinnati’s Archbishop Moeller football’s lineage of high-caliber players has few alumni more decorated than Jordan Marshall: 2022 Gatorade Ohio Player of the Year, two-time Ohio Division I co-state Offensive Player of the Year (2022-23), and 2023 Mr. Ohio Football. Despite this, Marshall resisted the pull of OSU and went to Michigan. In interviews, he indicated his decision was a business decision focused on academics, life after football, and the ability to get to the NFL. He noted that he did not grow up a Buckeyes fan.
Marshall has special capabilities, especially his almost mystical power, strength, and balance. He distinguished himself against Alabama in the ReliaQuest Bowl, carrying the ball 23 times for 100 yards. In 2025, he was RB2 behind Justice Haynes, who became a mentor and friend. And when Haynes was struck down, Marshall donned the mantle and reeled off four consecutive 100-yard games. Despite these accomplishments, he is humble, always citing his teammates and coaches as the reason for his success.
This Saturday, an injured Marshall will have to be a force against a very good rush defense, which ranks 5th in total defense and average of 86 rushing yards allowed per game. The odds are stacked against him, just like the box will be stacked. The new Death Star commander, Matt Patricia, draws from deep experience and has immense talent at his disposal. But expect Marshall and his plucky offensive line of red-shirted freshmen, use their tried-and-true logs and rocks to wrest control of the line of scrimmage, so the rest of the maize and blue can ultimately win with the pass.
Kal-El (AKA Superman)
Despite missing the Maryland game, Ernest Hausmann leads the Michigan defense in tackles with 68 and has contributed with a sack and a pass defended. He is known for his speed, tackling ability, and instincts on the field. He is also the unquestioned leader. “I don't think anyone would disagree with me in saying that,” said Linebackers Coach Brian Jean-Mary. “He is the clear-cut guy that everybody looks to lead the program." Being a linebacker in Michigan’s version of the Baltimore Ravens defense means you have more on your plate than everyone else, one of which is to be the guy who covers up when others make mistakes. You do your job and look out for everyone else.
Like Kal-El, a crucial component of Hausmann is how his origin story explains how extraordinary he is and his motivation for using them for good. Adopted from Uganda because of the AIDS crisis in the region, he returned to his homeland and witnessed the daily struggle faced by many to find clean water. He helped drill a well in his village, an experience he described as emotional and one of the greatest moments of his life. This spurred him to establish his own nonprofit, Light Beneath The Well, to continue his efforts in providing clean water. He also became a partner with the organization One Million Wells.
Against OSU, he will use his powers for good. With his intelligence, he’ll recognize what the offense is trying to do and use his strength, speed, and tackling ability to shut down the OSU offense. Open-field tackling is his forte, which he’ll use to limit the explosive Bo Jackson. His blitzing has been kept at a minimum this year, but he’ll be the linchpin when pressure is needed up the middle. (Michigan’s interior pass rush has merely been human.) He’ll need to patrol the middle during passing play to stop evil-doing tight ends like Max Klare and Jelani Thurman. It’ll take a superhuman effort for the Michigan defense to shackle the OSU offense. Luckily, there’s Ernest Hausmann.
Hamlet
Dominic Zvada was the best field goal kicker in college football last year. There is no credible counterargument, but somehow the Lou Groza committee recognized Kenneth Almendares. A miscarriage of, well, tragic proportions. Unfortunately, his numbers this year are 12 field goals out of 19, seven misses whereas last year he missed just one. Whispers of regression, yips, and mental weakness have become louder, but our hero reminds us how strong he is when he said, “I’m human, I make mistakes… It’s not like I was perfect last year. I know the expectation is you go on the field, you get points, but you can’t put that pressure on yourself.” When he was asked to kick a 56-yarder at Nebraska, he said, “I wasn’t going to take no for an answer. I’m like, ‘I’m going to kick that.’ They had that trust in me.”
In Hamlet, order is restored by the main character’s actions, naming Fortinbras as the rightful heir to the Danish throne. Hamlet ensures a legitimate transfer of power to a kingdom corrupted by Claudius's illicit rise to power. Zvada will once again become unequaled. Once Michigan crosses midfield, they will know that they have three points in their back pocket. Emboldened, the offense will strike fearlessly, and when called upon, their prince will strike strong and true.